A Heartbreak Before Christmas

I’ve been trying to find the words all day to sum up my feelings but nothing was coming to mind. I’m sad, angry, disappointed and devastated but it’s like my emotions are all trying to get through the same slot at the same time and there isn’t any room. My great-grandfather (Papa) passed away this weekend and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. My grandmother text to let me know that he wasn’t doing well and it probably wasn’t going to be much longer.

That was Saturday evening, I planned on going over but he was already asleep when I asked. I changed my plan to go the next day but when I woke up Sunday morning, there was a message on my phone letting me know he was gone. Saturday night I had been a ball of nerves, upset and able to cry because all I could think was “what if.” Then Sunday, waking up to know he was gone and I knowing I should have gone the night before regardless of if he was asleep or not, twisted me up inside. I took today to grieve and to go over to his place to collect items that I wanted to keep of his.

At one point today, I was just driving around trying to fill that void with cherry Christmas music and small town holiday décor. I ran errands; I stared at this screen not able to expel my thoughts through my fingertips. I watched YouTube videos of people unboxing beauty subscriptions, searched Amazon and felt empty.

I’m full of regret and I don’t know how to process it. I should have gone over more, I should have stayed later at Thanksgiving, should have hugged him tighter and most of all should have gone over Saturday night.

My husband said the wisest thing that I’ve heard so far about my Papa passing. He was 90 years old when he passed away, not many of us will be blessed with such a long and full life. There aren’t a lot of folks who will meet their grandchildren’s grandchildren. My Papa was a great man; he served our country, was in a band, was the mayor of a town, played a mean game of poker and loved unconditionally. He filled my life with so much joy and laughter, I’m heartbroken that he’s gone but I’m equally happy that he is with his wife and the Lord in Heaven.

I love you Papa, you’ll be deeply missed.

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