A Heartbreak Before Christmas

I’ve been trying to find the words all day to sum up my feelings but nothing was coming to mind. I’m sad, angry, disappointed and devastated but it’s like my emotions are all trying to get through the same slot at the same time and there isn’t any room. My great-grandfather (Papa) passed away this weekend and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. My grandmother text to let me know that he wasn’t doing well and it probably wasn’t going to be much longer.

That was Saturday evening, I planned on going over but he was already asleep when I asked. I changed my plan to go the next day but when I woke up Sunday morning, there was a message on my phone letting me know he was gone. Saturday night I had been a ball of nerves, upset and able to cry because all I could think was “what if.” Then Sunday, waking up to know he was gone and I knowing I should have gone the night before regardless of if he was asleep or not, twisted me up inside. I took today to grieve and to go over to his place to collect items that I wanted to keep of his.

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Little Miracles

Stepping out of the office today we were greeted by a sight not common for south Texas. Little flurries of ice were falling from the sky trying their hardest to cover every surface available. It was beautiful to see the light reflecting off the ice as it fell to the ground, it was not so beautiful to be in traffic with Texans who are not accustomed to driving in the snow. As a native Texan myself, I give them slack because weather here is like a grab bag any given day. In the winter, some days it’s 20 degrees and other days it’s so hot that people are swimming on Christmas. Either way, the drive home ended up being a lot longer than it typically is which means a lot of time to think.

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When Things Just Make Sense

Standing at the sink all I can think to myself is “this makes sense.” When everything is crazy hectic, the dishes make sense. They are dirty so they need to be cleaned. We have a set amount of dishes; they need to be ready to go for the next night, so into the sink they go.  You can only fit so many bowls, cups and silverware in your dishwasher, so once you are at your max, you know you’re done (unless you hand wash the rest). My mind has been going all over the place lately; when the water finally gets hot enough to actually clean I can just let myself be calm and think about nothing else.

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God didn’t put me in a headlock

I believe God lines things up in a certain way to show us a path without putting us in a headlock and dragging us kicking and screaming. Back in July, he showed me a brightly lit path to Him. I’ve always had troubles with faith and feeling like I could believe in anything but over the Summer it was like fog lifted and I could see. I felt whole, it wasn’t a fake “oh look at me here at church” feeling. I did have impostor’s syndrome at first. I thought everyone was going to point and say “she doesn’t truly believe” because I didn’t know the stories that they were referencing. Luckily, I also was able to see that true believers aren’t going to point and mock. They want you to feel included and bring you closer to Him.

So, first God clicks the button and the light flicked on. Then, while I was traveling, the leader of the location I was at gave me a book. The only condition was to pass the book along to someone else. The book was Love Does by Bob Goff; it was about his life and Christianity. I devoured the book and passed it on to another colleague who is also a Christian. Bob is an incredible writer; and I call him Bob because after reading the book I feel like we are friends even though we’ve never met. He has such a refreshing perspective on the Lord and it felt like God was saying, “you’ve shown up for Church, you bought the Bible but see what else you can learn.” Shortly after, my husband booked a retreat for us to attend to keep strengthening our marriage, which was all faith based.

After feeling a hole for such a long time, it is such a relief to just feel His love and to love him back.

Mom Chat – San Diego

I was recently on a business trip out in California and as I was talking to some team members out there, I started to notice more and more that the parenting experience is very similar regardless of where you live. I had lunch with one mom and she talked about the pressure to breastfeed with her second child, even though she wasn’t able to with her first. People who were around while she struggled the first time were making comments like “well you are least going to try to breastfeed, right?” As the conversation progressed, we went through the typical mom conversation of pregnancy woes, hardships with giving birth, daycare and judgmental friends, family and strangers. It dawned on me after the workday ended and I was back in my hotel room that we had so much in common but came from completely different places and backgrounds.

This lead to an idea for a new series; Mom Chat. I’m going to interview moms when I travel to find out how we are similar, how we are different and to gather as much parenting knowledge as I can to use with P. I know there will be differences in opinions and different ideas about how to raise kids but I thought it was interesting finding common ground in a place where I don’t quite fit in.

Santa Barbara

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