Sometimes Things Are Hard

Today was a “feel like you’re drowning” kind of day. There wasn’t anything specific that made me feel this way and nothing terrible happened but it just had that feeling. I’m being self-conscious about the amount of weight I pull around the house and feeling guilty that I took a day to work from home last week to go to doctor’s appointments that I was overdue on. I’m heading out again for work and I know that husband and P will be alone again to face the daily grind down one person. Husband is always supportive but I feel like both worlds just come crashing into each other. I know I’m not two separate people but I feel like when I get home I’m different. At work, I can be decisive, act on instinct and speak in front of tons of people with authority. At home, I feel like a bumbling mess who forgot to switch P’s clothes to the drier and is hoping they don’t get that mildew smell.

I took a long pause after writing the first paragraph and just stared at the alarm clock across the room. It’s almost 10pm and everyone is in bed. P is sleeping and surprisingly not snoring. Husband is reading and I’m stuck in my head thinking about how shitty of a mother I am… Today the daycare called two different times to tell me that P had bumped her head. The first time some kid fell and took her down with him and she fell. I called to tell Husband and he asked how she fell, where she fell and how hard she fell. I just asked them if she was okay. I didn’t ask if she fell on the floor (I assumed she did) and didn’t ask how hard. I called back to ease his mind and the second time she toppled over and hit another baby with her face. He was upset because she bumped her head twice and I wasn’t. She’s in a stage where she is standing and I know she is going to topple and that isn’t anyone’s fault. Should I have been more upset? Should I have asked more questions and been angry that no one caught her or watched her to make sure that was prevented?

She brings me so much joy and I love her more than I can explain but I worry that I’m not enough. How do you give 100% to all of the things that need you?

  • Your child
  • Your spouse
  • Your family
  • Your friends
  • Your home
  • Your hobbies
  • Your job
  • Your career
  • Your budgeting
  • Your future
  • Your relaxation
  • Your chore

I think all parents at some point get down on themselves and this is a moment for me. It’s hard and we get up, get ourselves ready and handle our business. That’s what being a parent is… doing more than you thought you ever could for those you love and for yourself.

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