I’ve struggled with anxiety for the greater part of my life. I’ve seen counselors, doctors, taken medication, done yoga, breathing exercises and anything else I could find to get it under control. Thankfully, I haven’t struggled with my anxiety and panic attacks for over a year. There are moments occasionally where I feel anxious and it feels like the anxiety is in control again.
My husband was traveling for work and I thought I heard noises in the house. Logically I know it’s because the house is creaking but my illogical fight or flight instinct was kicking in. I laid in be in a panic until I remembered a phrase that one of the women brought up in Bible study. She said that when she feels like the enemy is trying to mess with her she says out loud “Satan, you’re not welcome here.” I never imagined myself saying it until I was lying in bed stuck in my anxious thoughts.
I started thinking it hesitantly and kept doing it until I was confident that he had no power. I fell asleep changing “Satan, you’re not welcome here” in my head. It might sound silly but it worked. He has no power over us, he is not our master, we can drive him away. He prays on our insecurities and in those dark moments we need to be confident in our Lord and tell the enemy to get out.
I don’t think telling the enemy to go away will solve my anxiety but it helped me to find strength through our Father. Now I find myself saying it in my head pretty regularly. If I’m being judgy, getting angry about something out of my control, or just not being a very nice person I tell the enemy to hit the road. I know that some of those things are my own sins, but in that moment it tells me to be looking up at what matters and just in case, tells him to get lost too.
Growing up I was a tomboy, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup and my choice of clothes was based on what would let me run faster than all of the other kids in class. It wasn’t until much later in life that I owned makeup and it took many years after that to learn what to do with it.
It can be difficult to attempt to enhance your style without any kind of direction outside of what you see in magazines or on television. Anxiety and self-consciousness can sway your opinion of yourself and can also lead you to believe that looking, acting and dressing like the people in the media is the only way to truly be admired by others for your looks.
As an adult, you start to see that beauty really is who you see in the mirror. I have come so far in finding my personal beauty and have miles to go to look in the mirror and not second-guess myself. Everyone has a different path to walk and to discover what makes them feel beautiful.
In this blog I hope to share what I have learned about beauty, finding my confidence and being true to who I am.
As an adult reaching the time when children are just over the horizon, you start to think about what type of parent you want to be and the life you want to provide them. I was asked once how I would know how to be happily married and have a loving family if I had never really had either. It plagued me for a long while and it still lingers in my thoughts on low days. My immediate reaction was to be afraid. I really had no idea what I would do or how I would engage my husband or family as a parent and a leader in the household.
The Polaroid family has already been provided for everyone that has had access to media in the past 50 years. A white picket fence, kids chasing a dog in the yard, dad mowing the lawn and mom bringing lemonade on a decorative platter. That was the standard that movies, television and books painted when we were children. Little did we know that family isn’t something that fits into a thirty minute episode, but rather a combination of ups and downs with people you cherish.
Find those people, blood or not and hold them close.
I’m nervous to write this post and to start yet another blog where my thoughts are out exposed on the internet. Even with that hesitation I start to feel relieved with every click of the keys beneath my fingers.
All the stress of the day and the list of tasks on my to-do list are set aside while I sink into the couch with only the light of the lamp and the television lighting the room. Tomorrow brings another day full of meetings, email, assignments and sleeping in past the point of my hair looking anything but hurriedly thrown together.
Through this space I hope to relieve some anxieties, share stories, learn lessons and enjoy the experience of writing again. There will be posts that are serious, some that are possibly witty and others about things I enjoy. I’m looking forward to seeing what comes from this site and all the things that will follow.