A Heartbreak Before Christmas

I’ve been trying to find the words all day to sum up my feelings but nothing was coming to mind. I’m sad, angry, disappointed and devastated but it’s like my emotions are all trying to get through the same slot at the same time and there isn’t any room. My great-grandfather (Papa) passed away this weekend and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. My grandmother text to let me know that he wasn’t doing well and it probably wasn’t going to be much longer.

That was Saturday evening, I planned on going over but he was already asleep when I asked. I changed my plan to go the next day but when I woke up Sunday morning, there was a message on my phone letting me know he was gone. Saturday night I had been a ball of nerves, upset and able to cry because all I could think was “what if.” Then Sunday, waking up to know he was gone and I knowing I should have gone the night before regardless of if he was asleep or not, twisted me up inside. I took today to grieve and to go over to his place to collect items that I wanted to keep of his.

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When Things Just Make Sense

Standing at the sink all I can think to myself is “this makes sense.” When everything is crazy hectic, the dishes make sense. They are dirty so they need to be cleaned. We have a set amount of dishes; they need to be ready to go for the next night, so into the sink they go.  You can only fit so many bowls, cups and silverware in your dishwasher, so once you are at your max, you know you’re done (unless you hand wash the rest). My mind has been going all over the place lately; when the water finally gets hot enough to actually clean I can just let myself be calm and think about nothing else.

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God didn’t put me in a headlock

I believe God lines things up in a certain way to show us a path without putting us in a headlock and dragging us kicking and screaming. Back in July, he showed me a brightly lit path to Him. I’ve always had troubles with faith and feeling like I could believe in anything but over the Summer it was like fog lifted and I could see. I felt whole, it wasn’t a fake “oh look at me here at church” feeling. I did have impostor’s syndrome at first. I thought everyone was going to point and say “she doesn’t truly believe” because I didn’t know the stories that they were referencing. Luckily, I also was able to see that true believers aren’t going to point and mock. They want you to feel included and bring you closer to Him.

So, first God clicks the button and the light flicked on. Then, while I was traveling, the leader of the location I was at gave me a book. The only condition was to pass the book along to someone else. The book was Love Does by Bob Goff; it was about his life and Christianity. I devoured the book and passed it on to another colleague who is also a Christian. Bob is an incredible writer; and I call him Bob because after reading the book I feel like we are friends even though we’ve never met. He has such a refreshing perspective on the Lord and it felt like God was saying, “you’ve shown up for Church, you bought the Bible but see what else you can learn.” Shortly after, my husband booked a retreat for us to attend to keep strengthening our marriage, which was all faith based.

After feeling a hole for such a long time, it is such a relief to just feel His love and to love him back.

My 4 Must Have Items For Traveling When You’re Sick

I just had to do something I swore I would never do… use a cloth napkin as a tissue. I know, I’m gross but I didn’t have a choice. Let me explain how this came to happen…

P is climbing on me coughing in my face but I love her cute cheeks and so I let her. She Flying to Utahchews on her hands and then rubs them on my face trying to stick them in my mouth. It’s when she is being the cutest that I slip up and let her stick her sick germs in my mouth or near my face. This was on Monday, a day I had taken off to relax and get ready for upcoming travel starting on Tuesday. Monday my nose starts running and I’m not feeling so hot but eh I shrug it off thinking it’s allergies. Then when I’m sitting in the airport at the butt crack of dawn I realize I have her cold. I’m hoping that it’s a 24 hour thing and that it goes away before my first session, I wasn’t that lucky.

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Sunday Evening Thoughts

I’ve been feeling really emotional over the past week. It might have to do with baby P having more of a personality lately resulting in me missing her even more. She snuggles now and looks up at you with a sly smile because she is drooling milk all over your shirt. Today she was chewing on my leg in an attempt to help her aching teeth. It doesn’t hurt and I don’t believe she is going to learn to bite people based on gnawing on my leg at five months old (I could be raising a vampire, who knows). Right now, she is wailing from her bed because her little nubs of teeth are trying to break through. My amazing husband is giving her baby Tylenol to try to help her.

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