Standing at the sink all I can think to myself is “this makes sense.” When everything is crazy hectic, the dishes make sense. They are dirty so they need to be cleaned. We have a set amount of dishes; they need to be ready to go for the next night, so into the sink they go. You can only fit so many bowls, cups and silverware in your dishwasher, so once you are at your max, you know you’re done (unless you hand wash the rest). My mind has been going all over the place lately; when the water finally gets hot enough to actually clean I can just let myself be calm and think about nothing else.
It’s 70+ degrees outside, we had just completed a hike (our first ever with P) she started crying about halfway through the trail because she was hungry. She was still so little then and didn’t have much of a feeding schedule. Luckily, we had carried her diaper bag with us while we hiked through the forest. One parent had P on their back and the other had the diaper bag. Dad had been carrying her for a majority of the walk so I carried her when she started crying. He made a bottle when we finally got to the end and I carried her in one arm and fed her with the other. By the time we got to the truck my arms felt like jello and I had no idea how I was able to carry her and feed her after walking miles in the heat carrying a bag full of stuff.
Being a mom can feel very lonely. You always have someone around you but unless you know and hangout with other moms you are living in this isolated world of drool, bottles and endless videos of attempts at crawling. Family members are excited to see pictures and video but it is hard to get any time to yourself. Even when you do get time away you miss them and look at pictures and videos, which start the cycle of “I’m a bad mom because I’m here instead of home.”
“I’ll wash your mouth out with soap” was a phrase that I heard quite often growing up. You could also get a pop on the mouth or the ass depending on what you said. This wasn’t talking back because no one wanted the belt but saying something as simple as “shit.” I was driving listening to hip-hop in the car and I thought to myself ‘maybe I should change this so baby P doesn’t hear cussing.” The funny thing is I cuss in front of her all the time. My parents used to cuss when talking with adults and we heard cussing at family functions. It was known you weren’t allowed to cuss and no one was telling the other adults not to cuss in front of us. So when did the change happen, where adults are supposed to monitor themselves around kids?
All day today, a friend of mine has been trying to get me on the phone. I’m usually not the type to avoid a conversation but the times she wanted to chat I was knee deep in grocery shopping, driving, cleaning, putting away laundry, putting baby P down or feeding baby P. I felt awful and kept telling her, “sorry can’t talk at xyz” but I can text if you want. All I could think to myself was ‘I’m not a terrible person, I’m just a mom.”